I am not being tortured... not physically, per se.
I think I torture myself. I let my brain torture me.
I am always setting up appointments to make sure nothing is wrong with me. My hypochondriac in me has started kicking up dust again.
Ever since I got sick a week ago, I have been torturing myself. My back has been killing me, my sides, my throat, my head.
I keep thinking that I have something seriously wrong with me. Thinking I have a brain tumor, thinking that I have cancer, thinking that I am going to die, that I have an aneurysm, or that my spleen or appendix or something is bursting.
Yes, I seriously think these things, and I seriously think I am going to die.
Worse than all these things, I think I am going to die alone. I think I am going to die with ppl thinking things about me that arent true, and that they will think I deserved that fate as well.
Perhaps this is the reason I let certain things upset me so well. Like the little conversation I had with ppl a few days ago that used to be my friends and/or ppl that I was acquainted with.
The fact that they think so little about me, and wont listen to my side of something really bothers me, because I think that if something happened to me they would think I deserved it
... and maybe I do.
But if these ppl think ill of me because of things that they think of me that arent true, then that is what bothers me. They can hate me for things that are true about me, but it really bothers me (and I know it shouldnt) that they think things that were said about me by others are true.
There are many things I want to do with my life. I want to get married, and I want to have kids, and I want to raise them and have a family to take care of, but at this point, I am afraid that it just wont happen to me. I feel like time is getting shorter.
Yes, I am only 25 years old, and in 3 months... I will be 26. This doesnt seem like a big deal, especially to those of you who are 18, or younger and such.
But nobody realizes just how fast it goes after that. Just how fast it seems to be, its like... youre just passing by light years.
It seems like yesterday I woke up, and I was 18 and graduating High School, getting my license, living with my boyfriend.
And in that time, since I was 18, so much has happened. 26 is four years away from 30, and if it gets so much faster, I will be 40 before I know it. Time passes like nothing I could have ever thought.
I remember when it seemed like I had to wait forever for my birthday. When I waited for it when I was young, waiting for that day I could have cake and presents. I remember how easy it was, how simple time was and how we thought "there is so much time... I cant wait until I am older... I cant wait for my life to begin..."
But when DOES life really begin? I feel like my life hasnt even started yet... and here I am almost 30 years old. I am still that same girl I was when I was 18, only without all the hope and all the excitement for the future, now starting to fear birthdays instead of enjoying them.
I dont care about the number...
I care that with every breath, with every year, mortality seems more and more inevitable... closer, breathing down my back.
When you are young, you feel invincible. Like nobody can touch you and like you have so much ahead of you. At this age, I dont feel like that anymore. I have realized my mortality, and realized that if I dont find somebody soon, and have a family, I am going to be picking from a shallow pool of divorcees who have already had kids and arent looking to have more.
Thats where I am coming to. A place where in an age where everybody is having their children in their teens and early 20s, that they dont really want children later in life because they have already raised their children and dont really want more.
But I want more. I want kids. I want something that I made with a certain person who would mean the world to me. I want to give someone everything that I can give, and I want to share that with the creation of our love. I want to share everything with someone and my children, and I want to raise them to do the right things and believe in things.
I want to have that future that so many people that I know take for granted. The people who say, "I wish I wouldnt have had kids", "I never should have gotten married young", "I wish I should have waited"...
Yes, maybe they should have. But whats done is done, and you need to appreciate what you have because there are a lot of ppl in the world who would give anything to have what you have.
I guess you can look at that both ways though... I am sure there are people who would love to be in the position that I am in as well. Not having to worry about anything but myself really, not having to worry about tons of bills or problems...
But, I feel selfish, and I dont want this selfishness. I dont want to only have to worry about myself. I want to worry about someone else, and them worry about me. I want to have kids to worry about and have someone with me that worries about them just as much as I do.
I want to change the world, even if its just in a small way. I want to stand up for something, anything.
I want to fight for what I believe in, and for what I have wanted since the day I knew I could have a child at 5 years old. I want to fight for their future, and I want them to be strong enough to fight for their childrens future, and their grandchildrens future.
I dont know if I can change it.
Maybe I am just torturing myself.
I think I torture myself. I let my brain torture me.
I am always setting up appointments to make sure nothing is wrong with me. My hypochondriac in me has started kicking up dust again.
Ever since I got sick a week ago, I have been torturing myself. My back has been killing me, my sides, my throat, my head.
I keep thinking that I have something seriously wrong with me. Thinking I have a brain tumor, thinking that I have cancer, thinking that I am going to die, that I have an aneurysm, or that my spleen or appendix or something is bursting.
Yes, I seriously think these things, and I seriously think I am going to die.
Worse than all these things, I think I am going to die alone. I think I am going to die with ppl thinking things about me that arent true, and that they will think I deserved that fate as well.
Perhaps this is the reason I let certain things upset me so well. Like the little conversation I had with ppl a few days ago that used to be my friends and/or ppl that I was acquainted with.
The fact that they think so little about me, and wont listen to my side of something really bothers me, because I think that if something happened to me they would think I deserved it
... and maybe I do.
But if these ppl think ill of me because of things that they think of me that arent true, then that is what bothers me. They can hate me for things that are true about me, but it really bothers me (and I know it shouldnt) that they think things that were said about me by others are true.
There are many things I want to do with my life. I want to get married, and I want to have kids, and I want to raise them and have a family to take care of, but at this point, I am afraid that it just wont happen to me. I feel like time is getting shorter.
Yes, I am only 25 years old, and in 3 months... I will be 26. This doesnt seem like a big deal, especially to those of you who are 18, or younger and such.
But nobody realizes just how fast it goes after that. Just how fast it seems to be, its like... youre just passing by light years.
It seems like yesterday I woke up, and I was 18 and graduating High School, getting my license, living with my boyfriend.
And in that time, since I was 18, so much has happened. 26 is four years away from 30, and if it gets so much faster, I will be 40 before I know it. Time passes like nothing I could have ever thought.
I remember when it seemed like I had to wait forever for my birthday. When I waited for it when I was young, waiting for that day I could have cake and presents. I remember how easy it was, how simple time was and how we thought "there is so much time... I cant wait until I am older... I cant wait for my life to begin..."
But when DOES life really begin? I feel like my life hasnt even started yet... and here I am almost 30 years old. I am still that same girl I was when I was 18, only without all the hope and all the excitement for the future, now starting to fear birthdays instead of enjoying them.
I dont care about the number...
I care that with every breath, with every year, mortality seems more and more inevitable... closer, breathing down my back.
When you are young, you feel invincible. Like nobody can touch you and like you have so much ahead of you. At this age, I dont feel like that anymore. I have realized my mortality, and realized that if I dont find somebody soon, and have a family, I am going to be picking from a shallow pool of divorcees who have already had kids and arent looking to have more.
Thats where I am coming to. A place where in an age where everybody is having their children in their teens and early 20s, that they dont really want children later in life because they have already raised their children and dont really want more.
But I want more. I want kids. I want something that I made with a certain person who would mean the world to me. I want to give someone everything that I can give, and I want to share that with the creation of our love. I want to share everything with someone and my children, and I want to raise them to do the right things and believe in things.
I want to have that future that so many people that I know take for granted. The people who say, "I wish I wouldnt have had kids", "I never should have gotten married young", "I wish I should have waited"...
Yes, maybe they should have. But whats done is done, and you need to appreciate what you have because there are a lot of ppl in the world who would give anything to have what you have.
I guess you can look at that both ways though... I am sure there are people who would love to be in the position that I am in as well. Not having to worry about anything but myself really, not having to worry about tons of bills or problems...
But, I feel selfish, and I dont want this selfishness. I dont want to only have to worry about myself. I want to worry about someone else, and them worry about me. I want to have kids to worry about and have someone with me that worries about them just as much as I do.
I want to change the world, even if its just in a small way. I want to stand up for something, anything.
I want to fight for what I believe in, and for what I have wanted since the day I knew I could have a child at 5 years old. I want to fight for their future, and I want them to be strong enough to fight for their childrens future, and their grandchildrens future.
I dont know if I can change it.
Maybe I am just torturing myself.
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» Asgier Blackbane (WIP) (continued)